Saudi Arabia: Unwilling to Let Go

It has now been 13 months since my Saudi husband passed away.  To me the 13 months may as well be 13 hours or 13 years…I continue to miss Abdullah.  He was the love of my life.  When the 8th day of each month approaches I feel my body becoming more tense and I flash back to 08 February 2010 when Abdullah took his last breath because the cancer was unwilling to let go.  The cancer was like a pac man which invaded his body gobbling up healthy blood cell after blood cell until there were no more cells left to eat.

How strongly can I express with words how fervently I hate cancer?  I look back and read earlier posts I had written when Abdullah was still alive and remember how valiantly he always fought his battle.  Now, knowing firsthand the pains he suffered, I can truly appreciate all of his great strength and courage.  He masked his pains and fears so well.

Cancer is an enemy of my life, too.  I’m not as good as Abdullah was to mask my pains because my body gives me away.  I’ve learned to live with the pain of cancer; I’ve not learned how to live yet with the (selfish) pain of his loss. On the exterior I can smile, laugh and appear carefree.  Yet inside I continue to have a one way running commentary with Abdullah, imagining how he would respond to so many different issues.

I have Abdullah to thank for so many different things in my life.  He taught me additional ways to see and hear and speak so that I saw more, heard more and chose my words carefully.  He taught me much in finding additional reserves and strength and especially to fight the shaytan of cancer.

Some who have never known Abdullah or have not known a love where the sum is greater than the whole will never understand why I have not let go and moved on in life.  I am content and satisfied with my private commentaries and precious memories.

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21 Responses

  1. I know the pain of loss that you feel and the reason that you would rather live with your memories and your private commentaries. I know how your heart has a hole with-out Abdullah. I’m sending you love and light each day and know that you are in the place where you need to be today. If that does not fit in with where everyone else thinks you should be, that is their problem not yours. If your private commentaries with your beloved brings you comfort, then it is his way of helping you the only way he can.

    It is our loss that we all could not have met Abdullah. I am sure that all that had that opportunity were truly blessed.

    I have been blessed by your blog, it came into my life at a time when I needed your words and thoughts and I am grateful to you and Abdullah and the love that you shared, for it gives me hope at times when I believe there is none.

    I hope that my thoughts have brought you some comfort in your time of need.

  2. {{{hugs}}}

  3. Aw, sweet post.

  4. I know exactly how it feels. We lost my only brother to cancer 5 years ago, he was only 23. We all miss him terribly, sometimes though it feels like it’s only yesterday. It is hard to let go of someone so important and a big part of your life. The best we can do is cherish all the good and happy memories left with us.

  5. I had come across your blog while researching a possible move to Saudi Arabia. I skimmed a few of the newer posts and then went back to the start to read from day one.

    I found myself joyous in the love you share with your husband, and then broken hearted as I found he passed away.

    Keep your memories close, and tell all you can about him. Too many want those who grieve and love to move on and ignore the life lost. I have lost three children and I think of them every day, I feel a calling to honor them by never forgetting them.

  6. I know is not much, but you and Abdullah are always in my prayers

  7. My heart goes out to you, Carol. I pray you fight good battles and win the war against this dreaded disease. My thoughts are with you.

  8. I pray to Allah to cure you from cancer and to give you the strength to overcome this battle. You seem to be such a kind soft hearted person 🙂

    I know Abdullah is not with you in person, but he will always be in your heart! Never let go of those special moments you shared with him.

  9. Carol,
    He was so lucky to have you,, remember . It is ok and perfectly normal to have the feelings that you are experiencing. Remember right now isto take care of Carol–you are the first priority.
    Many hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Your courage and sweetness in your devotion, appreciation and patience in the face of pain and loss touches our hearts. You are inspiring us of the best of what humanity is all about.
    when i say “us’ i mean that i am sure that i am not the only one that has been touched by your lovely sincerity. I think that you have gained a new wisdom of what is really important and what is not, what to give importance to and what to just bypass. It is always a pleasure and in part an education to read your views and replies. rabena yebark feeky

  11. Thank you for this very personal post.
    I hear your pain and the gap left by your loss, Carol. May you find comfort in the memories you have and the peace he must know now.
    The circle of life has painful components. And Death, by any messenger- Cancer, Crime, Aids- is a component of that circle.
    May you rejoin Abdullah in the eternal component where Death, Pain and Loss do not exist.

  12. Dearest Carol,
    I feel death is somehow a relief from painful sickness that one suffers from. It is a mercy. Your loving husband is no more in pain.

    I understand your pain as I have lost my father exactly a month ago. It seems like only yesterday.

    It is interesting that you mentioned your one way running commentary with Abdullah. I have been writing letters to my father which I had started more than a year ago when his condition got really serious. Even though I could not or cannot express my grief verbally, I can write my feelings and that helps me alot. Whenever I miss him or feel like talking to him, I start writing. Precious moments are saved in my peronsal letters.

    I admire your courage in facing your battles – first with Abdullah and now with yourself. He is free from pain. I pray for you. Be strong as you always are. In your strength, I find my own.

    Be well …

  13. I sincerely thank everyone for their thoughtful, heartfelt and carefully chosen words. I can feel the virtual support. Thank you.

  14. Today is 5 months since I lost my son and it feels as fresh as if it were yesterday. I can still feel his hand in mine as I sat by his hospital bed for 29 hours just willing him to PLEASE, wake up!

  15. I can’t imagine the pain and lonliness and suffering one must go through when they lose a partner. But, I do know that it still seems like yesterday when my grandmother passed away, and it has been almost 25 years. We lost our father almost 5 years ago and my mother is just now able to manage alone in a ‘couples’ world in Florida.

    With all you have on your plate, Carol, you are doing really, really well. God bless you for all you still do for others.

  16. Sarah, Lynn,

    I feel your pain. I wish we were all closer as it sounds like we could use a warm group hug of support.

    I have no doubt Lynn that your son was aware of your presence which gave him comfort. You were THERE. Abdullah told me that during the times when he was in the worse of his treatment and was drugged so heavily, although he could not open his eyes, he knew he was not alone.

  17. oh my word …your words just made me cry..
    i wish you well,,,

    i found counting blessings around me to have helped me dealing with the loss of loved ones.

    may god heal u

    my prayers with you.

  18. There is not much I can add after such heartfelt, beautiful offerings from everyone. This blog has some of the most eloquent, thoughtful people online…and it is in response to you, Carol. You exude a warmth and sincerity that draws people to you. Abdullah was so lucky to have found you, as you were to have found him. Love to you!

  19. Carol, I feel as if your words could have come from my own mouth; for me that day is November 28, 2010 at 10:36am. I know my situation is not the same and (as far as I know) cancer had nothing to do with it, but I understand how you feel. I struggle not to hate, and I have become very good at “faking it” to let others believe that I am okay. For some reason it is important for them to believe that I will move on and eventually forget, though I know that will never happen. I know how special it is to find someone who understands that, so if you need support, I am here. You are in my thoughts.

  20. Thank you, AzurEyes.

  21. what an amazing post…i couldnt hold my emotions in. such beautiful words that can only make you reflect on the things that are really important. Thank you so much for allowing a personal view into this difficult time in your life. This is my first time on your post i am not sure if you are muslim but may Allah grant your husband jannah ameen. your suffering is not in vain this is a test that shows how much your creator loves you. Have a nice day 🙂

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