A Saudi Wife Speaks Out on 35 Years of Life in the Kingdom

Susie has been married to her Saudi husband for 35 years and the majority of her life has been in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.  We will learn how she and her husband initially met (everyone loves a love story) and the changes she has seen and experienced from all of the years she has been in the Kingdom.

First of all, thank you very much for this opportunity to interview you and ask you a variety of questions.

Thank you so much for asking to interview me Carol.

Let’s start at the beginning, how did you and your husband initially meet?  What are some of the highlights of your courtship?  How soon after meeting did you marry?

I met my husband, Ziyad Ahmed Zaidan, in 1971 while he was a student of architecture at the University of Detroit and I was studying piano and interior design at Marygrove College in Detroit. After we had been dating for nearly three years Ziyad completed his Master’s degree and moved back to Jeddah to begin his architectural profession. A short while afterwards I travelled to Spain to meet my future mother and father-in-law and three of my husband’s eight siblings. We married about three and a half years after we met. We had a wedding at the house of an Imam in Dearborn, Michigan and later the same week we had a wedding in a Lutheran Church in Fenton, Michigan. After our honeymoon and return to Jeddah my mother-in-law had a party to introduce me to the female family members at Kilo 10. In 1974 this was a very trendy place!

What were the initial reactions of both families when you married?  Did you know his family at all prior to your marriage?

Both of our respective families were very pleased that we planned to marry. At the time when Ziyad was asking permission from my Father to marry me he also promised my Father that I could return to the States to visit whenever I liked. By the way, my husband has upheld this promise. My Saudi in-laws were nothing but accepting of me and kind. They insisted that I call them Oomie & Abouya as they told me they were now also my parents.

You were married in 1974.  Were any approvals and permissions required such as they are now in order to be in the Kingdom together as husband and wife?

Approvals of Saudis to non Saudis only became necessary after 1972. From what I remember pre 1972 many Egyptian women went to King Faisal complaining that they married Saudis and then after arrival in the country found that they were 2^nd,3^rd or even 4^th wives. King Faisal then issued the requirement for permission and this included investigating the Saudi man to ascertain if he had current wives. Permission was not granted if this was the case. Today I cannot verify if this investigation still takes place.

How soon after your marriage did you arrive in Saudi Arabia as a bride?  What kind of reception did you receive from your husband’s family?

After a two-month honeymoon which included a voyage on the SS France, travels through Europe and a spectacular wedding of a sister-in-law in Cairo, we returned to Jeddah. Upon arrival to Jeddah the brothers of my husband who were not on their summer holidays met us at Jeddah airport. Everyone was very welcoming and hospitable and I was given many gifts of jewelry and home furnishings. We were constantly invited to lunch and dinner during these early months of our marriage. My mother-in-law told me not to wear an abaya nor cover my hair because I am American. She felt it was not necessary.

Over the years now of living in the Kingdom, what have been the greatest changes (for better or worse) have you seen take place?

First of all women did not need permission to travel until the incident of “Death of a Princess”.

I worked as an interior designer in my husband’s company IDEA Network for many years. There were women of various nationalities and professions working together with men during the 70’s. There was no segregation but there was respect for one another.  Today, sadly enough this has changed. Segregation is made into an issue and generally speaking, men and women do not know how to interact professionally. I see this as a change for the worse.

I am trying to point out what I consider progressive changes in the society and Saudi Arabia. The advancement of women in various professions is very small considering how long I have been in Jeddah. The placement of women in high positions in most cases is tokenism. If I look at the attitudes on women working in the 70’s and compare it to today I see a backward movement in opinions and freedom. This is not to say that many Saudi women have not strived hard and succeeded in building a professional life but rather more should have by 2010. Women’s education has been a positive achievement. Limiting what fields women are allowed to work in is not.

The freedom in the press is an improvement however, that is quite recent.

The formation and organization of Jeddawi volunteers during the recent floods was very positive and heartening.

The abundance of shopping malls and consumer goods is also a wonderful development when years ago Leb Joe’s grocery freshened tins of food by painting them!

How has living in Saudi Arabia changed you as an individual?  Where has it strengthened you and where has it weakened you?  And how come?

Living in Saudi Arabia has given me the opportunity to get to know and understand many different nationalities and cultures which is not something easily done in the States. It has strengthened me by letting me interact with a country that is so different than my own without changing who I am. Foreign wives do need to compromise, but there is a line that if crossed, begins to whittle away who you are.

How has the quality of your life both improved and declined?

The quality of my life has only improved over these 35 years. The opportunity to travel and work on various projects has been a wonderful source of inspiration for personal development.

What has been your best experience in the years you have lived in Saudi?

My best experience has probably been to get to know and love my extended Saudi family. They have always been supportive and accepting of me. I have to say they are an exceptional family and I am very fortunate to be part of them.

Another good experience had been serving on the board for 10 years and as president of the American Ladies of Jeddah. Our aim was to introduce and help American women learn about Saudi Arabia. Unfortunately due to many circumstances this club does not exist today but during its prime we had over 400 members.

Did you ever experience severe culture shock or a feeling on whether you’d really fit in?

During my early married years there were a few instances of culture shock. We were invited to a VIP lunch at the house of a prominent Jeddah family and upon arrival everyone was segregated. To my dismay the women guests were invited to eat the leftovers of the men’s lunch from the same dining table! I skipped that!

How easy (or not) has it been to adapt to lifestyle and activities of an extended Saudi family?

For me it has been relatively easy to adapt to my extended family. Since I am a designer I have designed and executed nearly all of the “kooshas” for family weddings. This allowed me to start my own business,”Wedding Design”, which I did for many years. A large extended family always has plenty of occasions of births, weddings and parties. We all gather every Thursday for lunch at my father-in-law’s house and it is a good chance to catch up with everyone.

Have you been exposed to any women living in polygamy?  And if so, did they seem truly happy?

I have been exposed to women living in polygamy however this is a relatively new and unfortunately popular phenomenon occurring in marriages amongst foreign women & Saudi men. I personally do not know of any polygamous marriages that are happy. I do not feel there is any reason for polygamy today. It is an expression of a selfish man playing what I call “cultural cards”. The polygamous marriages that I know are full of pain and the children suffer as well.

Now shifting subjects, I understand you have been involved in a project called Rabat Rehab for the past ten years.  Can you describe what this project is exactly?

This project began with the idea that needy women could produce handcrafted work that could be sold; allowing them to earn an income and at the same time feel they accomplished something by learning a new skill. The women of Rabat Rehab have become very adept at hand beading and they produce work on shawls, scarves and tarhas. We also produce traditional work such as saba ibhr, sirwal with oiya & kuffiahs. We sell at bazaars, private sales and in shops. The Rabat Rehab project fortunately receives donations in the year. Some of the donations are used to purchase materials this allows each woman in the program to receive 100% profit on each piece sold.

How did you become involved in Rabat Rehab and how can other women become involved?

I became involved in starting this program 10 years ago as I have always done some type of charity work. This project has become very meaningful as it involves not only needy Saudi women but other nationalities as well. I welcome any woman who would like to volunteer in Rabat Rehab. I am currently reorganizing the project so there is a place for whatever amount of time a woman is able to donate.

Can you share some information about the women who live in the Rabat?  Where they are from and what circumstances brought them there?

The women who live in the Rabat Rehab today are mostly Saudi and Yemeni. Some of the women have children. The women are either divorced, widowed or married but abandoned.

What is the Living with Dignity Program and how does it relate to Rabat Rehab?

Living with Dignity was developed after understanding the circumstances of the needy woman in Rabat Rehab. In most cases the woman is young as opposed to the older widow who traditionally lives in a Rabat. She would like to improve her education and training so she can work. We are developing opportunities to help her with this and then assisting her to find employment. Many of the women have legal issues such as being married but abandoned and also in the case with children, child support that has never been paid. We help them resolve these issues with lawyers willing to work pro bono. We also welcome women into this program who do not live in the Rabat just as we also have other needy women handcrafting work that we sell for them.

Can both Saudi women and expat women volunteer for Rabat Rehab and Living with Dignity?

All women who are interested are more than welcome to volunteer.

If so, who can they contact?

Please contact me, Susie Zaidan at: arabianaccents@yahoo.com

In closing, it is evident you have created a full life for yourself in Saudi.  As you know, there are many young expat women who wish to marry a Saudi and some are aware of the extensive approval process and regulations and many of them are not.  Most of these young women know their Saudi outside of the Kingdom only.  What advice would you give to them on having a successful and happy relationship with their Saudi?  What do they need to know?  What should they expect?

Yes, I have created a full life for myself in Saudi Arabia and being in Saudi Arabia has also contributed to letting me be able to accomplish many goals and ideas that I may not have been able to do elsewhere. Years ago many foreign women married Saudis. Today I do not see this happening very often. I would advise any woman planning to marry a Saudi to make the effort to understand the country she may one day live in. Back in 1974 there was very little information, except at the library, on Saudi Arabia. Today there is too much conflicting information on the internet, which can be confusing. I would caution the young woman reading online that some information is not necessarily true. However, I would recommend American Bedu as it is an excellent resource. It is very important to meet your in-laws before you marry. Unfortunately some mothers-in-law can make the newlywed bride’s life very difficult if she doesn’t like you, as is the case in most marriages. It is especially pertinent in the Middle East where the closeness of family is very important and you do not want this strain between you & your husband’s mother. I think the most important element for any woman marrying a Saudi is to remain true to yourself. Do not be compromising to the extent of losing the woman your husband fell in love with. Do not change to the point that you no longer belong anywhere.

Above all keep an open mind and a sense of humor. Try to live a full and meaningful life. It can be a wonderful experience to live in Saudi Arabia.

Thanks again Susie for your time and agreeing to this interview.  Are there any other comments you would like to add?

You are very welcome Carol. Thank you for letting me wander down memory lane and to share some of my life with you.